I am suffering from Multiple Goal Crashing Syndrome, or MGCS.
My head hurts, my eyes close automatically and I slowly slip into a dark and empty space while every muscle in the body aches like it’s been wronged, and I lose control over myself. I hear they call it a nap. But there is a general sense of weakness that surrounds my brain when I want to focus on my multiple goals and stay on the course on all of them. I hear they call it distraction. Sleepless and distracted, because of my multiple goals, and feeling lonely, abandoned, over worked, underutilized and a thousand other things losing focus on the checklist of things that needs to be done in order to keep them goals, goals. That is the classic Multiple Goal Crashing Syndrome.
I self diagnosed in February 2012, and tried to self medicate with gallons of caffeine, but so far my self-rehabilitation and healing process hasn’t worked well. Since the year ends in a few months, and my undone goals are stopping me from adding on more goals, I will go through a “goal cleansing process” where I will keep what I want to do, toss what I don’t want to do, and donate what is done but not enough for my satisfaction. If I didn’t do it in the past three months, chances are I won’t complete that project in the next three months. Incomplete files on the computer haunt me, and scare me from beginning new ones.
The happy space that I search between the sun and moon, and tiny drops on rain replete with a spectrum of fantasies and a pot of gold at the end does not need distractions.
So, as I gear up for a different life come September, I clear off the incompletes, hoping that I will breathe life into them one fine day, hoping that someone doesn’t steal my idea, polish it, run that last mile that I didn’t run and claim a medal for their achievements. Of late I see some of the things I said in my blogs come up in other blogs twisted slightly to suit the author. When I check my own blogger stats, it does show that the ‘inspiration blog’ was read a few days ago. In fact, dug from the deep and read. That is fine. You can only copy so much, you can only inspire so much. One day I would love to write like Michelle Moran and Sherry Jones, but no matter how many of their books I read, re-read, it will take my own talent to come up with a product like that. I will take it as a compliment that someone stalks me, someone hangs on to my written word, and leave it at that.
Coming to the big announcement, here it is. In my past blogs, I have constantly mentioned the twenty-two-thousand words that I have written to share a story that I wrote this January. I wanted to rewrite it, edit it, and present it beautifully. But I couldn’t. I don’t have the patience to sit and polish. I don’t have the discipline to do it. A few days ago, I thought of sharing the story with my readers in 15/20 parts over the next couple of months. I will polish as I go, and if I cannot, I will still share what I have. If it turns out to be a great product, I can always add it to Createspace, and if I get distracted even with something that simple, well, good luck to me!
I am not sure how to do it, whether to start a website to share with elaborate copyright statements, or to just add my copyright line and add it to my blog. I am open to suggestions, and I am open to ideas, and I am very much open to my impulse decisions that happen around 2am on Wednesday. Middle of the week, middle of the night, I feel very impulsive. Every time someone said, no, work on it, it needs a bigger audience, I came back to my file and tried to rework. So far there hasn’t been any inspiration to keep me motivated.
Here is one of the paragraphs of the novella. There is no name yet, but there will be one soon.
It’s only a guard walking by,
But I hear a thousand soldiers marching.
It’s only a eunuch breathing on my shoulder,
But my heart races with fear.
In fragments, the memories of that night linger,
Constantly replaying in my head,
Forcing me to relive each moment that I would gladly forget.
I tremble with fear when I am awake,
I tremble with fear when the nightmares awaken.
I am not alone even in my loneliness,
Memories walk every waking moment with me.
©Meghana Rajesh Joshi, 2012. All rights reserved.
Beginning next week, I will start streaming this novella online. It is a Historical Fiction where I have taken plenty of creative liberties to express myself. Happiness today is learning to focus, even if it means calling my passion a distraction. Once this is done, maybe I will find the creative energy to write about Lopamudra and Agasthya, Amba and Ambika and another historic fiction that stayed in my heart for years. One day I might learn to be patient and actually list approaching an agent, selling my book, or even market it myself, but..
Till then, happiness is freedom from everything that holds you back, even your own creation.